|
"I have two objectives in writing this account of my
adoption experience; the first is to help all
members of the adoption family in dealing with their
loss, a loss that society does not recognize. The
child, the natural mother and the adopted family all
experience profound loss. The adoptive parents have
a need to overcome their inability to have a child
of their own and this will affect the way they
interact with their adopted child. My adopted mother
always feared the existence of my natural mother so
it was never discussed. I was told I was adopted as
a child, but we never explored how I felt about it.
Throughout our lives together, my mother would offer
me the opportunity to ask her about anything. Often,
I brought up my adoption and asked what she knew
about my natural mother. Always , she refused to
answer or even acknowledge the question, looking
away and then changing the subject. My adopted
mother held on to this fear to the last day of her
life. I believe it would have drawn us closer
together if we had explored our feelings about this.
The second and more elusive challenge is to explain to
those of you who are not members of the adoption family
what that special loss is like. I have tried many times
to share my loss and grief with my wife, but I can tell
by the expression on her face that she doesn't grasp the
depth and intensity of the grief of adoption. Like
society, she believes that adoption is an act of
selfless love by the natural mother and generous love by
the adoptive parents. The adopted child has a second
chance, a new complete family, love, attention,
literally a new life.
One pictures the smiling baby held by his adopted
mother, hugged, nurtured, cherished and kept safe from
harm. My adopted family loved me as their own. I
couldn't have asked for better parents. What more could
a human being ever want? Their love and affection
sustains me, and gives me what I need to grow and
survive but it doesn't replace what has been lost. I
want what oth ers have; a name given at birth, a
heritage, and a memory of my mother's face.
Think back as far as you can and try to
recall your earliest memory. It's almost impossible to
remember anything before the age of four, but the
memories are there. Psychology teaches us that we lose
the ability to recall those memories, but they are in
our minds. There's a good chance that the oldest
memories you were able to recall were powerful events,
even traumatic. These are the memories that stay with us
the longest, and the more powerful the event, the
stronger the ability to recall that memory. We recall
those memories in complex pictures and words, but what
if a memory occurred before we could speak, or before
our minds were mature? That memory would exist in the
form of a feeling rather than in pictures or words. Now
imagine that you're a baby, and in those early moments
of life you are held by your mother. A mother you have
been a part of for the past nine months. Imagine that
you see your mother's face, hear her voice calling your
name, speaking softly to you. You smell her, feel her,
and hear the sound of her heart beating against your
body. Then suddenly she's gone!"
Ordering Information:
To purchase a personally autographed
copy of Not Remembered, Never Forgotten
contact Bob at:
RobertHafetz@comcast.net.
If paying
by check, please make payable to:
Robert Hafetz
1014 Surrey Lane
Warrington, PA 18976
USA orders:
$20.00 plus $3.00 shipping/handling. PA residents add 6%
sales tax
International orders: $9.00 shipping/handling for
1-2 books
Call or write for quantity discounts
|
