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Book Review
Not
Remembered, Never Forgotten
An Adoptee's
Search for his Birthfamily
by Author & NEASPA member, Robert Hafetz
Although I am a member of the Adoption Triad - birth
parents/adoptee/adoptive parents - the meaning behind this
book's title, "Not Remembered, Never Forgotten," was not
immediately clear to me. Being a birth mother, I of course,
got the overall gist of it, but was intrigued and read on to
learn more. More about an adoptee's experience after their
relinquishment at birth. Not to mention, how rare it is to
hear from the other half; the male faction.
Once I began reading, my understanding came quickly. Bob
swiftly and effectively drives home its meaning in the first
few pages. He also describes how, during his search, he
becomes family of circumstance when meeting other Triad
members. How his search is only able to progress because of
the kindness and commitment of others, sometimes, even
strangers, all willing to help. Every word, every emotion
and every sentiment in this book comes straight from his
heart. There is no beating-around-the-bush here.
This search [for his birth mother] has taken on a life of
its own, writes Bob. No truer words were ever written. His
statement describes perfectly the desire, the need and the
urgency that invades your mind and your soul while searching
for a lost loved one.
Whether you have been touched by adoption or not, this book
will make you understand what it is like to live your life
not knowing who you are or from where you came, as well as
how finding your roots can literally save your life. It's
ending, though bittersweet, will warm your heart and make
you smile, especially when you read about a very special
monkey.
I know that I have no memory of my mother's face, her voice,
her touch and that I don't know anything about her. I would
later discover that I was wrong. It is true that I could not
remember, but it was also true that I could not forget.
I hope Bob's words leave you with a true sense of how it is
to be "Not Remembered, Never Forgotten."
Reviewed by Susan Mello Souza
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Book Review
by Lynne Devinne
Not
Remembered, Never Forgotten, by Robert Allan Hafetz
Not Remembered, Never
Forgotten, is a short and easily read book. The author,
a male adopted person, gives a lucid and informed account of
his perspective on the adopted experience. I say, ‘informed’
because he displays an understanding of the myriad aspects
of adoption and makes a valid attempt to convey the pain and
grief created by adoption that is so deep that there are no
words adequate to describe it. He somehow manages to do this
without labouring the point and without excessive use of
emotive language.
He recognizes and acknowledges
his loss at his early separation from his family of origin.
He understands his adoptive mother’s fears and need to deny
his origins even subsuming his need for self-knowledge to
her denial of his birthright and does so with compassion and
understanding.
The contents of the book are
well organized and the reader travels through the journey of
the author’s search in an orderly fashion. He has endeavored
to understand his reactions and emotions during the journey
and in so doing seems to have reached a peaceful resolution
to the pain of separation from his natural family.
His methodology is
fascinating. Technology has enabled him to access
information speedily and effectively; he has then been able
to make commonsense deductions from the information at his
disposal. The stupidity of a system that allows access to
non-identifying information alongside a piecemeal
dissemination of facts is clear. On one hand the person who
should have most right to the facts is denied them; on the
other a paid worker is allowed to delve, armed with the most
knowledge. The author ascertained his origins despite having
his hands tied behind his back; the case worker, it seems,
could not despite having names to work with. Strangest of
all, the author seems to have been freely given the name of
the putative father named on the records, the least reliable
piece of information of all, whilst being denied that of his
mother. Such selective secrecy is difficult to understand.
I will not go into detail
about the conclusion of his search. That is for the reader
to discover as they travel the same road with the author and
discover his secrets alongside him and his calm, logical
reasoning along what must have been a difficult journey.
Suffice it to say that he manages to reach a place of peace
and resolution in which he integrates his two selves, the
social and genetic.
Assoc. Representing Mothers Separated
from their Children by Adoption
Hamilton Hill, Western Australia
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Hi Maz,
I thought Bob's book was terrific and I closed our ACCESS
2006 meeting in Falmouth, ME, last Saturday (Guest speaker
Sen Lou D'Allesandro of Manchester, NH, prime sponsor of the
successful OBC access bill in NH and adoptive father of
Anne, born in Maine) and several Maine legislators and
ACCESS 2006 supporters. One of the legislators asked me for
a copy of the quote which I emailed to him with your website
as the source to buy the book.
Here's the quote I closed the meeting with:
"To paraphrase Locke, An adult, as a citizen, owns a
property, in his own person. I demand from the state the
deed to my per son. I demand the right that I have been
endowed with at birth, to know who I am, to be respected by
the state, just like everyone else." (From: NOT
REMEBERED NEVER FORGOTTEN, An Adoptee's Search For His
Birthfamily, A True Story By Robert Allen Hafetz, available
via
www.neaspa.com/id14.htm). The author was born in NJ, one
of the several other states considering similar access
legislation as we are proposing.
Powerful words, don't you think? Bobbi
Beavers
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"Not Remembered, Never Forgotten is a poignant and
compelling story of an adoptees quest for his natural family
and his search for self. Sensitively written, this book is
a must for anyone whose life is touched by adoption."
Joe Soll, CSW, DAPA, adoptee, psychotherapist
and author of Adoption Healing... a path to recovery and
Evil Exchange
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”On a compelling journey searching for his family of origin,
Bob Hafetz explores the emotional ride that adoptees take
while searching for their birth families. His ability to
express his feelings makes this profound book a primer for
everyone who wants to understand underlying issues for
adoptees. A beautiful book that you will not want to put
down.”
Rita Roitman, LSW,Clinical Social
Worker, BCD,
Vice President of Adoption Forum, psychotherapist in private
practice.
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