new blog

Affective Dissonance in Attachment after Adoption
The Devaluation of Motherhood
New Jersey's Witness Protection Program for Mothers
Congratulations!

Affective Dissonance in Attachment after Adoption

The first obstacle after an adoption occurs is the transition of attachment behavior by the adoptee from the bonded first mother to the new adopting mother. This transition does not simply happen by itself. There is an intricate process that lies at the foundation of attachment. Infants, who are not yet cognitively aware, but are affectively sensitive, should be regarded with delicate precision. A complete and fulfilling attachment will not occur unless a state of emotional harmony develops between the adopting mother and the infant. The new mother does not have the benefit of familiarity, bonding hormones or the shared existence of gestation to support her. I believe that a unique, familiar, touch, recognized by the infant is the basic method of communication between mother and child. It is this touch that bridges their emotions and creates the cherished harmony we call attachment.

Before there is an adoption there must be a separation. The name we give to this process, adoption, ignores this event as if it never occurred. A thorough understanding of separation in adoption will create a context from which we can examine the psycho-social dynamics of adoptees and their adopted families. The separation is a significant experience that has lasting results and may result in a traumatic event to the infant. An infant is helpless and dependent on the mother for all of its needs. When fear or anxiety is experienced the infant uses the mother to cope. When adoption separation occurs she literally vanishes from the universe of the infant. Not only has the mother vanished but also the infant’s ability to manage distress has departed with her. Trauma is an event that overwhelms ones means to cope with it. Therefore a separated infant, now alone, has lost its primary means to adapt (Verrier 2003). In this light we expect a separated then adopted infant to transition and attach to a new mother as if the bonded, birth mother never existed and the separation never occurred. Historically, the adoption culture has assumed that a cognitively undeveloped infant cannot experience such events. The lack of cognitive development is seen as a type of “anesthesia” that protects the infant from traumatic memories. While it’s true that infants don’t comprehend the world cognitively, they do experience it affectively. They know and they remember in an affective domain. Adoptees will struggle for the rest of their lives to build a bridge of understanding connecting this affective experience with their cognitive ability to recognize it.

Our objective, scientific based culture has created a hierarchy of awareness. We place cognitive awareness above emotional awareness and in the case of infant adoptees we assume there is no awareness at all. Infants, while cognitively undeveloped, are still very much aware. They have memories and remember their separation experience as an implicit, affective, memory. Memories are not only explicit and cognitive, memories can also be intrinsic and emotionally based. Think of a loved one that has passed away. Don’t you naturally experience that memory as an emotion first and then cognitively explore it? Isn’t it always there just beneath the surface exerting its effect on you? In the case of a pre verbal infant whose undeveloped brain can only process affects, a memory as intense as separation from the bonded mother would, naturally, be retained only as an emotion. The affective responses caused by separation from the bonded mother would be anxiety, grief, and repression (Robertson and Bowlby 1952). According to Silvan Tomkins, memories are organized chronologically or in a linear mode. They are prioritized in proportion to the intensity of the affect created by the event. The intense affect associated with the disappearance of the bonded first mother creates a memory that will be experienced for the remainder of the infant’s life. We used to think a baby’s mind was like a blank slate but we have been discovering that infant’s minds are very much aware. Infants from their first day of life, possibly even earlier, communicate with their mother. In adoption we have avoided recognizing the critical significance of this process. Adoption separations occur at one of the most critical periods in human development and we have minimized the effects of this at the expense of bonded first mothers, adoptees, and the families that adopt them. We must recognize the importance of the adoption separation experience in order to facilitate the transition of the infant to the new mother.

From its first breath of air a newborn infant has the ability to express itself. That first cry is not a sound without meaning or purpose. It is an expression of affect, a demand for attention, a call for help that is understood by the adults who hear it. It captures our attention and we respond to it by placing the baby in contact with its mother. The mother responds with her touch and the message to the infant is that you are safe. We should think of this as an actual conversation between mother and child. In the place of words they communicate with emotion. Since the infant has already lived for nine months within the mother it will, with no trouble, come to know the mothers touch, her smell, her heartbeat, and the sound of her voice as recognizable and familiar. The emotion that flows between them should be regarded as a language with various affects having particular meanings. In the place of a language with words we have a language with a vocabulary of affects such as excitement, joy, fear, distress, and surprise to name a few. It is through this vocabulary of affects that the bonded birth mother is able to teach her child the nature of their world.

Harlow, in his famous paper, The Nature of Love, stated that mothers bond with their children through touch (Harlow 1958). Separation anxiety will occur when an infant is taken from its bonded mother. This distress can be extinguished when the infant is returned to that same bonded mother. Her familiar touch tells the baby it is safe and secure. It is the bonded mother’s touch, not the touch of the father, the nurse, the grandmother or anyone else’s that expresses this feeling of safety to the baby. Consider that when your spouse or significant other touches you, it has a different meaning than if another person were to touch you, yet is the same action. What if a stranger touched you? What if a stranger touched you while you were in a state of distress? You would have no idea what that meant. You might even consider a strange touch as threatening. This is the situation initially created by an adoption. Only the unique touch of the bonded mother is understood by her infant. The new adopting mother is a stranger to the adoptee and while they engage in the same emotional behavior, they are not communicating in the same language. They don’t understand one another. Initially, they are in a state of affective dissonance. This may also play a role in post adoption depression. If the baby’s lack of response or negative response creates an increase in the new mother’s anxiety, then we have a relationship that may create a cascade effect of negative emotions affecting them collectively. The very first barrier in adoption transition is this state of affective dissonance between the new adopting mother and the adoptee. We must also keep in mind that many adopting mothers may have their own feelings of shame and loss due to infertility and the awareness that she is receiving someone else’s child. The child’s reactions to her will have a profound effect on her own emotions and sense of worth. Positive reactions by the infant can validate a very sensitive relationship while negative reactions can be invalidating or hurtful to the new mother. This new attachment is not a relationship that can be created by simply putting a woman and an infant together and expecting them to spontaneously form an attachment. Before there can be love there must be an expression of trust that the infant can identify with. The infant brings to this relationship a feeling that trust has already been violated. Building a bridge of trust can be accomplished but it will take time and insight on the part of the new mother. It should also be stated that attachment to the new adopting mother does not call for replacing the attachment from the bonded first mother. It requires the creation of an additional attachment relationship with the adopting mother. There must be a harmony of emotion with the past as well as the present.

Hypothetical model of an unsuccessful or incomplete transition :

1. Initial communication incompatibility

The new mother and infant are unable communicate effectively due to the unfamiliarity of the new mother, compounded by the infant’s attempts to cope with the bonded mother’s disappearance.

2. The state of affective dissonance

Initially, the emotions of the new mother and infant are in a state of disharmony and possibly even conflict. The infant expecting the familiar touch of its bonded mother doesn’t understand what this new mothers unfamiliar touch means. Form the infant’s perspective everything has changed.

3. Increased anxiety in mother and infant

Due to the state of affective dissonance, the new mother’s lack of familiarity causes distress in the infant. The infant’s lack of expected response to the customary expressions of emotion creates anxiety in the new mother.

4. Negative attachment cascade

The new mother’s distress increases the infants distress which further increases new mother’s anxiety. Instead of an affective bridge linking them an affective wall of glass is created. Emotional stability is maintained by distance instead of trust and love.

5. Failure to attach or incomplete attachment

Initially, the new mother and the child fail to attach or form a poor attachment. This state of affective dissonance could last for a short period or for the rest of their lives. It could resolve partially, as the adoptee creates a false self (Verrier 2003) in order to survive, manifesting itself as an emotional distance separating adopting mother and child. Outwardly the relationship may appear to be normal as adoptees are able to act as if there is an attachment, but inwardly the adoptee maintains an emotional distance resulting in an incomplete attachment.

The separation experience has a significant, lasting effect on adoptees, manifesting as a narcissistic wound or a core, affective memory. The ability of the adoptee to cope with this memory is a primary part of the attachment process. The establishment of a familiar touch is an essential component in forming a successful attachment with the new mother. This will create a unique, affective, dialect linking the mother and infant. This affective language will build a sense of trust, that will bring the emotions of new mother and infant into a state of harmony. Touch, when accepted as familiar, will trigger the positive affective memories associated with the first mother. The restoration of familiarity and, consequently, the reestablishment of trust becomes more probable when mother and child recognize one another’s emotions as intended. Including the concept of affective dissonance in the education of adopting mothers will increase the probability of a complete attachment to their new child. The new mother must be able to understand the affective dynamics of the adoption/separation process because the infant cannot.

Bibliography;

Harlow, Harry F. (1958). The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13, 573-685.

Robertson, J. & Bowlby, J. (1952), Responses of young children to separation from their mothers. Courrier of the International Children’s Center, Paris, II, 131-140.

Tomkins, S. S. (1979). Script theory: Differential magnification of affects. In H. E. Howe, jnr & R. A. Dienstbier (Eds.), Nebraska Symposium on Motivation 1978, volume 26 (pp. 201–236). Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press.

Tomkins, S. S. (1971). A theory of memory. In J. S. Antrobus (Ed.), Cognition and affect (pp. 59–130). Boston: Little, Brown.

Verrier, N. (2003). Coming Home to Self. Gateway Press Inc. Balt. MD.

Robert Allan Hafetz